During challenging times when we seek comfort, it can be disheartening to feel shivers down our spines, revealing an unsettling barrier. It can be traced back to attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby in the late 1950s. It can help explain the phenomenon we call \\”the flinch\\” when an individual is emotionally distressed, and they try to seek comfort. A deficiency of love and affection throughout childhood conditions the brain to associate vulnerability with a threat. Overall, a parent who offers no emotional support to a child, like a rebuttal to their flow of tears with some sort of affection, will communicate the lesson that need will be met with some sort of rejection. This phenomenon conditions the adult to be stuck in the paradox of longing and being emotionally distressed.
The experiences throughout early childhood are still biological in nature. Our center of control of emotions, the amygdala, is triggered when an individual experiences intimacy. This facility of the brain mediates the perceived threat(s). \”Children who are raised in low-affection homes and develop elevated levels of the stress hormone, Cortisol, and it lingers throughout the adult to be highly emotional and badly triggered\”. It is like and training a dog that is overly alert to be guarded and yappy at its owner. It is unnecessary, it is a false alarm; the child has been misreading the adult and has been overly alert. In an intimate partner embrace, relax. It can cause emotional discomfort, embarrassment, and a desire to avoid. Draw, and pull away during talking and be happy; the desire to avoid is an awareness of a lack of emotional intimacy that paradox to exist. This is because the pathway to emotional intimacy can do injury.
Comfort and Safety in Relationships
Let’s dig in and analyze how the perception of safety and comfort shapes our inner social blueprint. In the case of a secure childhood, warmth and care foster a secure base from which the child learns to trust. In other cases, the affection and warmth of caregivers is absent and is replaced by inconsistencies or an emotional coldness. This is where the “avoidant attachment style” is birthed. In this style, emotional Independence becomes a defense mechanism. Studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology confirm that avoidant adults are the least satisfied in their relationships, and this is not due to a lack of romantic interest, rather the response is due to an ingrained fear of emotional dependence. As we know, it is not safe to show a desire for comfort at the risk of being ridiculed or neglected during the formative years of one’s life, and so the adult self perpetuates this cycle by instinctively and immediately “snowing” or pulling away.
The body remembers what the mind forgets. Somatic experiencing, a therapy style created by Dr. Peter Levine, explains how unresolved trauma is stashed away in the body, specifically in the muscles and nervous system. Imagine a backrub, which for many is an innocuous gesture, that ends up triggering the freeze response; this results in an elevated heart rate during what is perceived to be the imminent threat of danger. In this regard it is not stubbornness; it is rooted in self-preservation. An emotional ‘unavailability’ may be suspected by friends and loved ones, while in fact, as Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, argues, that unavailability is an actual response to emotional pain and remains protective flinch from when emotional needs were not adequately addressed. This type of learned response is not a character defect.
Breaking Down the Patterns in Numbers
To be able to analyze such patterns, we need to see the data from longitudinal studies. In the following table, we summarize the most relevant findings from the Minnesota Study of Risk and Adaptation, which follows the study participants from the stage of infancy and all the way to the adult stage.
| Attachment Style | Childhood Affection Level | Adult Comfort with Intimacy | Prevalence (%) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Secure | High | Comfortable | 60 |
| Avoidant | Low | Uncomfortable | 25 |
| Anxious | Inconsistent | Overly dependent | 15 |
Affection levels low enough to highlight the correlation with avoidant attachment affecting 25% of adults. Although the pattern looks stark, it is not determinism, and provides an ample opportunity for where to start interventions.
Rewiring for Genuine Connection
The first step to healing is awareness. As an example, schema therapy is a modality able to target specific core beliefs to disabuse a person of the notion that being vulnerable is weak. Mindfulness is a practice that can train the nervous system to tolerate touch without activation using a body scan. One very effective example is to make a practice out of gentle touch. You would start with hand-holding (or some other gentle touch) with a loved one for a maximum of 30 seconds. You’d notice the touch without describing it as pleasant or some other judgment. At first, you may want to notice your self-clenching. As the weeks it may soften closer to the threshold of the touch as your nervous system learns it is not a threat.
The real world is filled with example of a practice like these. Consider Sarah, a 35 year old executive (anonymized for privacy) that I observed in clinical practice, who had emotionally absent parents. Hugs had always been uncomfortable. After participating in EMDR therapy, Sarah was able to lighten the burden of the descendants. Now she is not only able to receive hugs, she is also able to receive the correction solace of friends. These are not high-demand relationships. Sarah was able to balance the deficit without an extended period of suffering for the change at hand. Hence without the neediness and the flinch constant, the need Sarah had to address finally was the target.
Paths to Self-Compassion Ahead
Discomfort demonstrates resilience. Those raised with little to no nurture become highly self-sufficient and often displace their unfulfilled needs onto their drive or creativity. However, there is an opportunity for integration by feeling the pain. ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller shed light on these dynamics, and support groups provide the opportunity for a collective experience. By speaking the unspeakable, “I wish for this, but I am terrified,” adults reclaim their power and transform the echoes of their childhood into a symphony of their adulthood.
FAQs
Q1: What makes me bristle at comfort?
This often originates from a place in which needs were not safe to express, and, as a result, your body enters a defense mode.
Q2: Can this discomfort really be worked through in therapy?
Definitely! There are various modalities like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and somatic therapy that effectively help to unlearn these patterns with time.
Q3: What is a way to start being more okay with receiving affection?
Acceptance in this context is best approached in small and brief measures. You may wish to begin with something like a brief and gentle hug, and supplement it with some calming breaths.